Q:That's the whole point of the ultimatum. The issue is that she doesn't talk at all. We are incapable about talking about small normal issues, and the fact that we can't do that makes me even more upset which itself has become an issue. So it's either start trying to talk things out with me, or that's it. But she has so stubbornly refused to agree in the past and I am terrified she will continue to do so. She is the only one for me and I either want to spend my life with her or totally alone.
Firstly, you can’t make people change. A lot of people have habits that are detrimental to their relationships and those things can only change once they’ve matured and decided to try and work through them on their own. If she refuses or is unable to talk through things, there are reasons behind it, reasons that maybe she doesn’t even understand yet. And a lot of the time for people like that, when they have someone pushing them to talk, it just makes it even harder to do so. When there are things you two need to work through, do you always push for her to talk, or do you ever back off and say something like “When you’re able, can you tell me how you feel?” You need to make sure you are trying to be constructive and not reacting in ways that are going make her defensive.
You shouldn’t have to try and force a relationship to work, if you are, then you might have to accept that it’s just not the right relationship. It’s obvious you love her a lot, but if you can’t handle one of the major traits of her personality, then that’s a problem that isn’t going to just go away.
Q:How do you prepare to hear from the love of your life that they don't want you anymore? I mean it's not guaranteed, but it's a possibility. She's my everything and I don't want to live without her, do you have any advice for dealing with the anxiety after you have given your SO an ultimatum?
I don’t want to sound too harsh here, but it seems like there is a lot of drama going on in your relationship and without more context I can’t give you specific advice. But giving your significant other an ultimatum is often the first nail in the coffin of a dying and chaotic relationship, it really doesn’t bode well at all. Is it possible that you both can talk through your issues and get to the heart of whatever is causing these problems and making you feel like she is going to end the relationship?
Q:Love your blogs! :)
Thank you! ^^
Q:I have a really amazing boyfriend living worlds apart from me. Our relationship is amazing, I know we will see each other again, but the time in between is hard. I told him that I feel sad when we don't talk often on the phone, we skype once a week and message often but I really need to hear his voice. We've talked and I said that I don't want to be the only one putting in effort to call. He said he understood but there are times still when it's been too long. How else to say it makes me sad?
Being far apart can make us a lot more sensitive to various things in a relationship than we would normally be. It’s good that you told him how you feel, but going by you saying “there are times still when it’s been too long” makes me wonder, has he actually made more of an effort and you are just very sensitive to the times that it still takes awhile? Sometimes you need to take a step back and think “Are my emotions making me more sensitive than I should be?” “Are there legitimate reasons for the length of time between phone calls?” etc. Asking yourself questions like this can help distinguish between actual issues that need to be worked on in the relationship, and issues that are the result of the emotional stress of distance. Regardless of the reasons, it can’t hurt to remind him how important those moments are to you, when you can actually hear his voice. Sometimes the needs of one person in a relationship are different than the other, but that’s not always clear to both people - which can cause accidental neglect of their significant other’s actual needs.
It sounds like he’s definitely caring enough, but it seems like you have the more difficult time in regards to distance. As I’ve said before, usually in an LDR one person can handle the distance better than the other, it’s fairly rare for both people to have an easy time dealing with the distance, but either way having ways to keep busy will usually help.
I don’t know what your boyfriend’s situation is, whether he’s working or if your timezones are just that different or what, but any number of things could make it more difficult to spend all your free time talking on the phone, so maybe think about that.
Because while it is obviously important to stay in touch, you also need to try and avoid unrealistic expectations, and have some understanding and patience when life gets in the way, it happens and you just can’t take it personally.
Q:My boyfriend and I had a tough day the other and he tweeted "so never get attached to anyone" and today he tweeted "you're the perfect person but at the wrong distance" and we haven't talked since yesterday. I have a feeling he's going to break up with me, but I don't want to give up on him, I really care for him. Do you have any advice or should I just prepare for the worse?
First of all, the fact he’s tweeting stuff like that for all to see, rather than just talking through it with you makes him sound like he’s a bit of a drama queen, that kind of behavior is pretty immature.
If he’s the type to often have strong emotional reactions to things then the odds are he might get over it just as quickly, but I would suggest just trying to calmly approach him in any way you can, and try and talk it out between yourselves, let him know how much you really care about him and what he means to you, especially the fact you are determined to not let him go, maybe find out if something unrelated is causing him to be more sensitive to the fact you two aren’t close.
It could be more severe but he might just need some reassurance, in many LDR’s that I’ve seen, one person usually is better at handling the distance than the other, and the best way to overcome that is to just talk and be in contact together, you can also find things that you can do together (Such as watch shows/movies online) and just in general spend some time in your own little world together without outside distractions.
But most importantly, just talk, and work through the things that might be bothering him and then from there think about what will help you both feel better.
Q:1. I have a boyfriend and I don't know maybe I'm being insecure and selfish for this it's just that his ex that cheated on him and ended up getting pregnant hangs out with him more than me and she constantly texts and messages him on Facebook
Unfortunately we didn’t get the 2nd part of this, but just going by what you’ve told us here, I’ll give you my perspective on this type of situation. I have dealt with similar things in the past, and I truly do not believe it ever bodes well. If you haven’t talked to him about it, you should. You can tell a lot by someone’s reactions in these kind of situations. If he seems genuinely surprised that it bothers you, and reacts in an understanding way, maybe offering to limit or even end contact - then you probably have nothing to worry about. However, if he reacts in a defensive way, gets angry, calls you paranoid, etc. then there is a problem. Staying friends with an ex is rarely a good or healthy thing, even more so if this woman actually cheated on him. I have to wonder what would be keeping him attached to someone that betrayed his trust so severely, to the point he actually sees her and talks to her as much or more than he talks to you. Exes become an ex for a reason, and they should stay in the past. Of course there are RARE exceptions to this rule, but even in those cases, that person should never ever take priority over you.
You’ve made a lifetime of not-quite-enough make sense, because not only are you everything to me in every possible way, everything in my life has led me to you, slowly but surely.
To the anon that sent a 3 part message - We didn’t get the 2nd part for some reason, so if you see this, try sending it again.
We’ll check for it in the morning.
Goodnight, dear followers. :)
Q:I'm crazy about this guy who is literally across the U.S. from me and he mentions it a lot how it sucks that we're so far apart and he's just a weird little sweetheart... I talk to him pretty much everyday (I haven't seen his face YET he showed me his room! Ha), but it's just driving me insane... How do you guys tolerate not being able to be close physically? Is it just all through emotion, or.? Thanks. :-)
Aw xD How sweet ^^ I guess for us, it does drive us crazy…but in good ways. It makes us love the smallest moments together, I mean just his reaction to seeing a picture of me is the best thing ever. Emotion of course has a lot to do with it, we are really lovey dovey (as I’m sure people can tell) and we are also fortunate that we can stay in touch basically all day. And just because you are long distance, doesn’t mean you can’t express and explore your sexual needs and desires as well. It never feels like we are far apart, even though we are. The best comparison, even though it’s an odd one to make, is you know how you have family members that you really love and you don’t get to see them that often, but it literally changes nothing about how you feel about them? You just know they are there, they exist, they love you, and that’s enough. That’s how it is for us.